Wow, it's been a while, way overdue for an entry. Tonight is the night because Kamil's been demanding an update for a long time. It would've been better if it was Wednesday night because Wednesday night is business time. Anyway, life. Life is pretty good so far. School is going as well as school can go. The house is nice even though I got shafted with the smallest room in the house. Drawing a four when other people have aces, kings, and queens is not a good idea. Though life is still very stressful. You wouldn't believe how stressful a college football season could be even if we didn't suck.
Here's something to think about.
As you well know, we live in America and in America we have our own set of values and believes. We're built upon the foundation of the American Dream. I would know, I moved here (Asian asterisk *don't be picky about grammer). Anyway, the basis of the American Dream is that anyone from whatever background can succeed if they work hard enough, blah blah blah. Anyway, I thought of a paradox due to living a life full of almost unreachable expectations I set for myself. Note that in the description of the American Dream, it says "if they work hard enough". Then that brings up the question when is hard enough?
So in this culture, we're never satisfied with anything. We can always do better. You could drive a Honda, but you want a BMW. Once you have a BMW, you want a Mercedes convertible. Once you have that, you want a Ferrari, and it keeps going on and on. Nothing is ever good enough. Do you need a Ferrari? The last time I checked, the purpose of a car was the get you around to places. Then you could argue that there is the statement that it makes and I would say isn't there a better way to make statements than a car.
What I'm trying to get at is that since we believe that nothing is ever good enough, we live a life in which we just have to settle for things. Just remember when you were a kid how good one thing was when you first got it but in the back of your mind you knew that there was something better. So now, you put the thing you just got in the backseat and long for the thing that was better. Again, that goes on and on. Though, pushing things to the extreme, striving for the best is how you succeed, but when is the time to draw the line? People keep saying that perfection is impossible but what if it's a frame of mind?
So maybe the person with the modest things win because he is pleased and enjoy where he is at and what he wants while the more wealthy think of all the things that they think would make them happy and run in an endless loop. Do we call these people underachievers because they're not striving for the impossible and that we jealous that they're not trapped? Think of all things in your life, your possessions, your friends, your profession, your school, your personality, think of where you draw the line. I haven't come close to drawing the line, maybe that's why I'm so stressed and slowly losing my sanity.
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Yes, it has been a while since I posted on this and Kamil keeps hassling me about it so I figured I'll just freaking do it already. This entry says a lot about me, I'm sitting in my room, at 10 on a Friday night writing in a journal. And that previous sentence just told me what I should write about this time. But first, a quick update on what I've been up to lately.
I'm extremely busy with school work, playing FIFA, and reading A Feast for Crows. So first off, school is extremely busy. I've one more exam and then it's pretty much finals time. As all of you probably know by now, I get out extremely early and I would love nothing more than to rub it in all your faces. I'm designing with a group a really cool CD case for one of my classes. It's like a regular sized CD case but instead of flipping it open, it slides open. And this regular sized CD case holds two CDs, one on the top and one on the bottom. Pretty cool stuff. We're going to be on an extremely tight schedule because our graduate student instructors is incompetent. I also bombed my micro-economics exam not too long ago, and that was kind of a wake up call that I have to get my crap together and not skip all my non-engineering classes. So for the next month, it's going to be getting up early for me. Second, I play a lot of FIFA as you all know. It really is kind of boring just playing the game now because I'm so good at it. I'm not saying that like in a boasting way but really, the secret hardest level is like child's play. So I'm building teams and stuff that I'm sure you would love to hear tons and tons about. And finally, I'm pretty much halfway done in A Feast of Crows, not as exciting as the first three in the series, but still not a bad read. I had a plan where I was not going to read for the next month and leave the reading for the plane ride back to Hong Kong. But since I'm an extremely boring person, I had nothing better to do but to read, because if I don't read, I'll check the same 5 websites or end up playing video games.
Oh another that just popped up in my mind. I might be getting a new laptop so I can do more loser type things, like play World of Warcraft. As of now, it's going to cost $1799. It's a MacBook Pro, the cheapest one of that kind of course. I haven't decided weather I'm going to get it yet because my parents have just informed me that they're only going to pay $800 of it. So I guess I either have to pay a thousand, get a MacBook instead of a MacBook Pro, or not get one at all. The gray is so much cooler than the white though.
Anyway, what I was really going to write. Maybe, I could tie all my ideas together at the end, I'm not sure yet, they're not really related, we'll see if you're lucky. Have you ever something that you did wasn't really as cool as everyone hyped it up to be? Like a movie or something? This sort of thing is happening to me with college. As I was leaving high school, every adult that I talked to were like "you're going to have the greatest time in your life". But now that I'm there, it really wasn't the thing that I was expecting at all. Of course there are parties and nights when you stumble home, that's the part that I expected. But then, I also thought everyone there would just hang out and get along. Everyone was starting with a clean slate, there wasn't any preexisting friend groups and all of that. And people would just crowd around you and you'll have a good time just hanging out.
That hasn't happened yet along with meeting "the friends you'll have for the rest of your life". I guess I'm really not making that much of an effort. You see, I'm a type of person that would much prefer having a close group of friends that I could hang out with all the time rather than having a ton of friends that are not as close. Maybe that would change, maybe it won't. It's probably my fault too because I've grown accustomed to having a handful of close friends. And again it's this reoccurring theme that I don't like to change. I guess I'm also afraid of rejection. My guess is that it would be better next year when I'm living with four other guys.
I've also realized this year that plans really don't work and I am not the biggest fan of them. Everything that I've planned in my head would blow up because on a single detail that went wrong. In a way, our lives are actually really planned out by society. When we're a few years old, we enter kindergarden and the school system. And now, everyone is pretty much required to go to college if they want a good job. Then after college, we get a job, get married, have kids, and retire. That really is the ideal plan that society has drawn up for us disregarding our backgrounds, our wants, and our dreams. That's really what they decided is "best" for us. But can we see that this plan is failing? People get a feeling that they have to get married and assume is the right person or it's the right time. Maybe that's why divorce rate is up. People really have to stop planning for tomorrow when there's living to be done today.
At least that's a procrastinators point of view.
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To address the subject of this post first, I would just like to say I haven't peed since I woke up today, which was at 3:00 PM. So if you think about it, it's not really that long but still. I didn't even realize it until I felt the urge to go, so I'll go and come back to continue writing this. Alright cool, you won't know how long I was gone because, well, you're just reading. Anyway, my life.
I'm happy that I'm finally getting some rest. The University of Michigan is kind enough to give its students 2 days off to prevent them from killing themselves due to exhaustion and lack of sleep. So yes, I'm on fall break. It's good in a way but also bad in another. First the good. It's good, as I've said above, that I get a break from doing work and just be stress-free. The bad is that I'm bored to death. I've been going to bed at about 3 in the morning after watching Grey's Anatomy and waking up past 2 in the afternoon. I mean I do wake up earlier but I like to take advantage to my lack of motivation to get out of bed. I don't get to do that when I have class. After I get up, showered, and all that stuff, comes the hard part. I now have to decide what to do. The decision is usually play FIFA on PS2 but I realized that you can only play so much until either, 1. your head starts hurting or 2. you just get so frustrated that you refuse to play anymore. So then I go on the computer to see what everyone's doing, talk to a few people, and just waste my life away.
I started thinking that with all the time that I play video games, couldn't I be doing something a tad bit more productive? An example of productive would be to study, write a song, or writing a story. When I was going through the list of productive, something hit me. I realized that we were working on "The Boro", something that I completely forgot. These couple of days would've been perfect for me to work on the story. But of course, as you've read above, I waste my day playing video games and watching TV shows. But back to "The Boro". It was such a good idea and I was so excited about it in the beginning. It was so fun to come up with ideas for story lines, themes, and characters but then when I actually had to put in the effort, I sort of dropped the ball. It's still my episode to write since I think the middle of July and it's now the middle of October. So that tells me that I'm lazy and not willing to commit to the project. I'm really sorry guys but I'll actually get cracking on it one day, preferably my last day of fall break. It's bad though, that I forgot most of my ideas but I'm sure I can make up new ones and blah blah blah.
Then to what a really want to say. It scares me that I just abandoned "The Boro" after about two weeks. It was fun talking about it, thinking of the things we could do for two weeks. Then after that, it wasn't a priority anymore. That's kind of scary for me because it some weird part of my personality. This experience shows that I abandon things after they lose their novelty. For this one, it lasted two weeks. I'm certain that some last shorter and some last longer but still. What if when I grow up and have children? After a few years, they lose their novelty. What now? I can't throw them away or disregard them altogether. This is somewhat alarming. Same with marriage. What if that also loses its novelty after a few years? With all the time, money, feelings invested, I can't really just walk away from it like it was nothing.
I guess we grow out of the ways that we feel now, or at least I hope so. That would really suck if my children weren't interesting anymore, so I ship them off somewhere else so I don't have to deal with them. Maybe somethings are just more important than others in sticking to them. Maybe love would be the thing the cures my lack of interest in things after a while. That might sound cliche, actually that sounds really cliche, but it might be true. You wouldn't really abandon something that's a part of you, literally. Do pay attention, though, that I said love would be the cure of the lack of interest and not just help me cope with this thing that lost its novelty. What fun would it be to just pretend to love the one you're with? It also would be a waste of energy and I think it would also distort your image of reality from all that pretending and acting. Anyway, all of this is awaiting to be answered and I really hope that I'm right with my cliche thought. If not, I guess too bad for you future generations of Chins. I guess I just have to punt you out of the window after a while because, well, you just aren't fun and interesting anymore.
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| Date: | 2006-10-02 00:32 |
| Subject: | For Kamil, My Bitch Lover |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  tired | | Music: | Chiodos - We're Going to Have Us A Champagne Jam |
So it's been about a month since I got back to school. It's gone pretty well I must say. I've been going out more often, working harder, and just doing more. The football team is doing well, and I must include we are much better than my bitch lover's football team. Rutgers? Come on. Yeah you're in the top 25 but you almost choked against a bad team. Anyway, there are things that I'm upset about. It's getting colder and colder as the year winds down. It's about 50s here during the day and cold during the night. It's never a good sign when it's this cold this early in the year. This could mean it's going to be a long winter.
Meanwhile, I finally watched Garden State. It's been a movie that I've been waiting forever to see. Every time I suggest watching it, something else would come up that night, and my plan ends up getting scraped. So I took matters into my own hands and I downloaded it onto my computer. I was so excited to finally get to see it so I open the file and to my amazement, a green block in the middle of the screen. I thought to myself, "Hmmm...maybe the movie starts this way." Then the audio kicked in and I'm watching still the green block on my screen. After listening to the movie for several minutes, I realized the visual was not going to work. Then I thought I might not be destined to see this movie. I mean, it's been such a long time and my only wholehearted effort blew up in my face. So I told Dan Dan the Weatherman about this thought and disturbed his beauty sleep. He mentioned something about a Codec and I was completely lost but he told me he would try to fix it the next day. So he went back to dreaming about his well parted hair.
A couple days later, the problem was fixed. I downloaded some program to diagnose the problem and then downloaded something else so I could watch it. So finally, Garden State and I meet. We had the same old introductions and then some forced small talk. All I could think of was I can't wait until he was going to show me what he was working with. So an hour and a half later, his job was done, he explained everything to me, leaving me with some things to ponder about. We said goodbye to each other, he went back into the computer, and I went into bed.
Every time you see a person, you have preconceptions about them. This was the exact thing that happened to me. I thought there was this one big, subtle underlying theme or meaning to this movie. As preconceptions go, they can sometimes be true but sometimes be false. I was I guess half right about my judgment. Yes there was something underneath the surface, but there were multiple themes, not just one. If I had to pick the most important theme out, I would pick that people sometimes just have to live and to feel even if the feelings hurt sometimes. But then that also got me thinking that life can't be all about living and impulsive decisions. There's a certain line between responsibility and natural impulse. I guess it would be an imaginary line that someone unconsciously draws according to ones personality and their upbringing. I think I lean more towards the responsibility side compared to the impulsive side. Though there's a line, there are many times where we would adjust and sometimes even cross it. The adjustments, I guess, come with age and experience. I mean, people's personalities change and so should their line because it's based on their personality. As I've experienced, sometimes crossing the line is an exhilarating experience. It's a rush that you usually don't experience. For example, for those who watch Grey's Anatomy, the woman in last week's episode that really live life and still had lung cancer. She was so glad that she went out, and just did whatever came up in her mind. Thus, her line readjusts according to her personality.
I guess it all comes in breaking out of your own shell. We have so many things going on usually that we restrict ourselves to the normal routine. We built this shell maybe because we are afraid to see what's out there, or just so focused in seeing in a straight line that we don't see the shell around us. Shells have to be broken once in a while I think. If they're never broken, you'll just end up in a dull life where everything is the same every single day. All that I've written above, someone has probably written it all before but I think this is my own process to convince myself to try new things and not have the same things all the time.
Six hours of sleep is not fun at all.
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So, another year, being confined to a 4 foot by 5 foot space in front of my computer. Some much has changed in the past year, and some many things have remained the same. School last year was a wreck last year, which is mostly my fault. My refusal to accept change, environmentally and personally, trapped me in a shell which was my dorm room. Saturday nights were spent with Mr. Playstation (RIP, you've been great) and my music. Weeknights were spent reminiscing about the past, talking to old friends. I mean, talking to old friends isn't bad by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes, you just have to learn to let go a little bit, to allow others to come in. This inner struggle of refusal wore on me as the year continued. At the end, I was a lethargic piece of crap that wouldn't roll out of bed. The main thing that kept me going was a date, April 27th, the day I go back to my comfort zone, back to Glen Rock.
Summer started off with a bang, a really good way to kick it off. I started with a 2 day music festival where I got my wallet stolen and had people fall on me but what did I care? I was in my element again. Seeing people I formed an attachment was great. Just talking with them, picking up where my life left off last September was great. Then things started to slow down but I enjoyed the feeling of having no major responsibility. That came to a halt as I got a job at the post office. After that, for three months, I worked six days a week. It wasn't that bad in the beginning, I mean, I was making decent money for an 18 year old at that time. I could pay for my own gas and buy things that I liked. After a while, the job lost its novelty. It was no longer interesting and it was the same thing day after day. Getting up for work became harder and harder, so did getting through the day. I really admire my parents for going into work every day of the year, on time, and ready to go. That's conviction, commitment, and a strong sense of responsibility. It's not like I didn't do anything while I was working, I still went out at nights, though, doing most of the same every night. After several trips to the beach, parties, barbecues, whiffle ball games, it was time to say goodbye and go back to, well, the real world.
As I'm pouring my feelings on this internet blog, which is well past its hype, you probably think I'm the biggest sissy on the face of the earth. People say college is supposed to be the time of your lives, an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Here I am, standing in the back, waiting for someone to approach me and then heavily analyze their character, and compare their qualities of my friends from home. To tell you the truth, you're assumption of me being a sissy is correct. Yes, I'm a dork. I sometimes enjoy doing "loser" thing rather than go out to this party where everyone is going. Yes, I need reinforcement and a fall back created by my friends. Yes, I hate new things, but this is a weird one. Because once I've convinced myself to trying something, I turn out to really like it. But I much prefer over-stability in my life. I order the same thing every time I go to that specific restaurant. I just like order in things, a routine.
This year, I swear, will be different. It has been already because I accepted for people for who they are. There were no comparisons to people back home, everyone is an individual, their traits and attributes unique. I'm going to do my best to try new things. It might come slowly, bit by bit, I mean, you have to learn how to walk before you run, or you'll end up falling flat on your face. I also decided to put away a persona that I kind of had last year and just be who I actually am. This is me, take me for who I'm. I'm never going to be that party animal that is on a first name basis with everyone around campus. I'm never going to be this tough guy that draws everyone's attention and bathe in it. I'm never going to be the smartest kid that can control everything and condescend on other people's weaknesses. This is me, a kid from the suburbs, stuck in mediocrity, full of self doubt, over analyzing every conversation, sentence, and words. I'm the one that's passive, staying in the back no drawing much attention. I'm the one that's loud, saying the most outrageous and silly things. I'm the one that's afraid of an opportunity.
Because I have to take a step in a new direction.
I've been watching way too much Scrubs.
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Have you ever thought that your life is a movie and that every moment in your life is a screenshot?
I was walking back to my dorm today and this popped into my mind. It was just so movie-like with music in the background, just thinking about, well life. Though the script might be somewhere out there, all we're doing is improving, thinking, acting, and relying on instincts. There are the consequences and the subplots develop day by day. Of course, when people look into your movie they see what goes on what you do not even know like what people say or do that would affect the plot.
As any movie would go, there is the exposition, climax, and the resolution. The thing is that you, the actor, know that these things are there but you do not know what they are. It can fly past you without you even noticing. These parts can also vary from person to person. The climax could be your college graduation, your marriage, or your accomplishments from your job. Even though it is the climax, it does not mean that your life is downhill until the end. It just means that things settle down, become calmer, and the subplots and the mysteries would unfold themselves.
Interactions are also very important because there are as many movies shooting at the same time with conflicting plots. Parts from your movie would be placed in someone else's and sometimes you could actually star in both. But unlike in most movies, there are no multiple takes. There is no time to go back and change a mistake though the director, the star, yourself really wants to. It is just improv for only one time and your performance is judged upon that.
People will watch your movie, some would be obsessed and know the whole story, and some people must just turn it on and fall asleep to it. Everyone who watches it is a critic. They will make their comments, some public and some private, but they will make their judgements. The question is would you listen to the critics? Does your future performance change from your critics or will you continue with your own perception? That is the question that you can answer, it's your movie after all.
By the way, you need tell me about your background music.
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| Date: | 2006-03-26 15:10 |
| Subject: | Lets Go George Mason |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  chipper | | Music: | Brand New - Car |
Hi all,
Just to let you all know that I'm still alive. Nothing really exciting happened lately. I'm just waiting for school to be over and enjoy the summer. School has been really stressful with a lot of work. Math, physics, chemistry, and engineering are going to be the death of me. I just had an exam and papers and a presentation due last week.
As far as summer plans, I'm looking at multiple jobs in New Jersey. I'll most likely become a camp counselor if I can't get a job at the pool. A job at the pool would be awesome since I live right across the street. The sad thing is that I'll probably still drive myself to work. Concerts are of an abundance this summer. Already I plan on going to three shows, the Bamboozle, Pearl Jam, and Brand New. I think I'm the most excited for Brand New but Pearl Jam and the other one would probably be great too. I just hope to avoid the annoying screaming little girls at the Bamboozle. Anyways, enough for planning, I'll just take things as they come.
This random thought just came about me because I've been watching a lot of basketball lately. I t's just madness. Since I have money in this tournament business, so I kind of want certain teams to win. Yes, I've been screaming at the officials and at the television from my room. There's been quite a bit of heckling from me to the players, especially Jansen from Washington. If Washington had won, I would've been in really good shape and of course, they lost in a heartbreaker in overtime. So I stumble across this point after a few disappointments in Washington and others. I now feel that the more you want something, the least likely it's going to happen. As Carlos Mencia said last night on Comedy Central, God has a sense of humor (just open your eyes the next time you walk in WalMart). God just laughs when people like myself to torture themselves about basketball and other stupid little things.
I would think it's funny too if a crazy Chinese guy jumps up and down on his computer chair and screaming profanities at the television.
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So, yesterday I was at the dentist office to get a cleaning. I walked into the door and saw this old man just sitting and waiting. He asked "How are you doing?" and I answered "I'm doing fine, how about you?" my usual response. He answered "Just getting older and waiting for that day." I thought that was a rather morbid answer and thought that this conversation was over. Then he asked more questions like what sports I played and if I lived in Paramus. I answered him politely and when the dentist assistant told me I would have to wait a little bit, I went and sat down next to the nice old man.
It was a tough decision to pick where I was going to sit down. There were two choices for me: the first was to sit right next to him, the second was to sit two seats away from him. I chose the first one, afraid I would look very impolite with the second choice. So we continued the conversation and I found out quite a bit about this man. He likes football, lives in Paramus, but stopped going to their games because they don't win anymore. He has four sons, the oldest going to the University of Pennsylvania, the second to Lehigh University, the third one I forgot, and the last one to NJIT. They all live around here and he's really proud of all of them. All of them majored in a field of engineering. This man had quite the life. He graduated from the old NJIT with a degree in mechanical engineering. Right after that, he volunteered into the military and became a pilot in India. He flew all across that part of the world for mail and spare parts for radios. When he came back to America, he opened a factory in Wallington. His factory made cardboard products so he didn't do a thing with his engineering degree. He was interested in woodwork and he had all the equipment in his factory. He made those rocking horses and carts for his children, his grandchildren, and his great grandchildren. He sold his factory a few years ago, and now he's retired. He had a textbook bypass surgery and had his valves in his heart replaced a few months ago. He is now a happy man at 87 years old.
He said before he got his valves replaced, the doctor said "if you don't change them, then you're going to die in four months." So two months later, he went in and got his valves removed. This is the comment that really intrigued me: "It's like I'm living on borrowed time now." I started to wonder, when people approach their end, do they not fear death? Would I act this way when I am 87 years old? I guess he has nothing to fear because he's accomplished so much in this span. He knows how to fly, knows how to speak Italian fluently, seen his sons grow up, seen his grandchildren grow up, and is seeing his great grandchildren grow up. And since he's on borrowed time now, anything that he accomplishes now is just extra decoration on his accomplishment tree.
Would I speak so humorously about death in seventy years? Only time would tell. I think I learned a few lessons from this old man just from engaging in an accidental conversation. The most important thing that I learned was to take things as they come. I realized that you can't change what's going to happen, already in the script in this play called "Life". Also, you can look back on the things that you've done and just be proud of them instead of killing yourself with "what if". I'm sure not everything he did was great, he doesn't care, he just weighs the positive so much more than the negative.
The other thing that I realized that I need to do in order to be old and happy is to take the initiative. Though I did write an entry about creating your own path not too long ago, I'm not a free walker. I'm not good at taking my ideas and just taking them to another level, applying them to get me somewhere. Maybe it's the fear of failing or getting lost, but something is stopping me from taking that initial step. Also, I sometimes just have to run away from negative things into positive things. I tend to dwell in the pass and lick my wounds all the while knowing that my tongue is filled with salt to make it hurt that much more. Maybe I'm afraid of running, afraid of falling flat on my face and not getting up again. I have to just walk away from the negativity, and not ever look back. Every time I look back just makes it that much tougher.
Old Man thank you very much. It's too bad that I don't even know your name. I hope that you make it to September, the trip with all your sons back to your home in Sicily.
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| Date: | 2006-02-12 17:33 |
| Subject: | Umm...Hi |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  giggly | | Music: | The Early November - I Want to Hear You Sad |
Hi, my name is Ken in case you forgot.
I kind of took a little vacation for a few months, I needed to be out of my body and just chill. My substitute didn't do so well as I hear. He was sad, depressed, awkward, and just weird. I think he was trying to be something that he wasn't and doing things he actually didn't want to. But now I'm back as strong or stronger than before I think. I'm back being a dork because quite frankly that's what I am. I do enjoy playing videogames, I work hard (sometimes harder than I should), I care about you, and I like listening to music. I will continue to be modest, shy at times, but outspoken at times, just the person that you all knew me as. Everything is fine that my "good" qualities came back but my bad qualities have also. I will continue to hold my grudges against people that I want to hold grudges against. I will continue my little act of being nice and proper (proper girl eyefucked the shit out of me) when I don't really mean it. I might try to rub it in your face, but you wouldn't really realize it because it's really subtle. I have my ways.
On my substitute, he looked a lot like me. I think it's the kind of deal in like Mission Impossible when they have the masks so you can look the same as someone. All of you that know me probably knew that there was something wrong and this substitute was just a joke. Enough about him, about my vacation. Vacation on the way back was a little bumpy, there were many delays on many connecting flights. All the days that I was there was cloudy, gloomy, just pretty much a crap vacation. The connection flights were annoying because sometimes I was just traveling in a circle and got me nowhere. Though, those were places that I had go past, it just took a little longer than expected. It might've been just a really bad dream where I controlled all the characters and I made it scarier than it had to be. But here I am, back finally. I will be the quiet kid in the corner but a thrill to talk to if you dare to approach him. Let the silliness continue.
Don't stop me
I'm read
Don't stop me
I already let go
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Have you ever seen a kid
Walking down the street
With his music blaring in his head
Not looking up, staring at the ground
Well, he's just been shot
In the midsection
He doesn't want to look up
He doesn't want to find out
Who would actually pull the trigger
Once he's gain the confidence
To look up again, to look at you
You shoot him a glance
You just killed him again.
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New years parts two is put on hold because I don't want to write it yet. So we will write about something else, life, something that I like to write about.
Life, I discovered recently, is a perfect analogy to the time when we were infants growing to be children. The time period is now to avoid any confusion, though you might be lost and have to read this over again. There are three specific abilities that I am going to point to in the development from an infant to a child; balancing, walking, and running.
Life, as many people say, is a balancing act and is very true. The first step in living your life is to learn how to balance. The center of gravity is determined by you and it is different for any people. The center is set by you unconsciously and it can be different than where you thought it was. The life that we are now living is a perfect example. The balance right now is between high school and college. Which way are you leaning towards, high school or college? Or you think you're right in the middle caring equally about both of them? Just like learning anything else, you will have some bumps on the way. You might lean too much towards one side, fall off, and have to establish the relationship on both sides all over again.
The next step is walking. Walking is slowly leaving something behind. Though you have to be set on your ceneter of gravity first. Think about it, how can you walk when you're off balance? Walking away is much more difficult than the first step which was balancing. With every little step you take, you have to regain your balance. You will fall off many times but what did they teach you in Batman Begins? You pick yourself up after you fall and get back on. If you are afraid to take that first step, you will never get anywhere in life meaning that you will never grow up. Think of where you would be right now if you did not take that first step as an infant.
Running is the last part and it's not recommended by teachers in school. It is ill advised because running demands the mastery of walking and balance. The consequences are much bigger for running. If you have a mistep in running, it would hurt a lot more and take a lot longer to recover. You also have to drag yourself back to the beginning to start all over again. And think about it this way, even if you are good at running, what fun is it to move through life so quickly. Everything would just wizz by you and you would not enjoy anything. Don't run away from anything, enjoy it while you still can. The end of the balance beam is closer than you think.
I am not proofreading this because I'm too freaking lazy.
Think I'll go to Boston
Think i'll start a new life
Think i'll start it over
Where no one knows my name
Think I need a sun rise
I'm tired of the sun set
Here it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice
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"So this is the new year and I don't feel anything different"
Umm...I would say that's entirely false. It was a year of real highs and real lows, but what year doesn't consist of those two things? We all know how the new year started, the one with me saying "Uh, I'll like some COFFEE!". Anyway, there was high school with a strange disease going around called senioritis. I would have to say that it was contagious and I think it's a disease we wouldn't mind having. There were barbecues, parties, studying when needed, and just driving. That was the winter, then came the spring.
The spring consisted of a lot of track. First team all-league was nice, but I figured out that you have to live a little bit and not have sports take over your life. Once track and AP exams were over, it was home free. Playing cards on school nights became a regularity. More driving and drinking but not together were good things to do. Senior year is just when you have to just enjoy life and realize, you'll never get this again. This freedom of no consequences by just being lazy and irresponsible. Prom, graduation, and Grad Ball wrapped up the school year but the night that I would never forget is the night before graduation. The whole class of 05 gathering on the football field with tents is priceless. Just knowing that everyone is going to be there for one final time for such a tight knit, though we didn't really have a choice, group of individuals.
Summer came and we did old things and new and interesting things. We had the best time of our lives knowing that we wouldn't do this again with everyone. Life and memories are your own. Although you can't go back and relive it, it's something that no one can ever take away from you. Just look back, remember the good things and the bad things. These are the memories that will stay with you forever. These memories might fade a little bit or you try to forget it, but you'll always have it. Later in your life, when you look back in retrospect after you soaked in everything, you'll realize how great high school life is. Just like how we think about kindergarden and naptime now.
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Since there's snow all around me right now and probably for a long time, why not write an entry about snow.
As you walk around on a snowy day on the shoveled sidewalk, you listen to your music and you start thinking. So many people have walked these roads before you, some have failed, some had succeeded, and some lost in mediocrity. Then you look at the tracks on the once perfect snow, the paths of people that deviated from the original path, the ones that dared to cross the street. While you prepare to cross the street, you follow one of these tracks in order to keep your feet dry and clean. Why walk a road that has been already explored? What is the point of living someone else's live? Those are the ones that would be stuck in mediocrity. Would you dare to deviate from the path knowing that you would get you feet wet? Sometimes these new trails would lead you to nowhere but would you rather not try? Not to take a risk knowing that the potential is there? Remember that you only have one life to live. You might be lost in the early part of your trip, working hard to dig your path. But you will have those dearest to you to draw a map together, to get where you want to be. What would be better than to be at a dry, better spot, with the ones that you love? So grow some balls/ovaries, life's most important and hardest step is the first step. And then you can just follow it where ever it takes you.
Light brings underneath a heavy door
And I try to keep myself awake
Fall all around us, on the hotel floor
And you think that you've made a mistake
There's a pain in my stomach
From another sleepless binge
And I struggle to find myself again
I want to hang on to something
That won't break away or fall apart
Like the pieces of my broken heart
Who can guess that song? It has something to do with this entry. Don't look it up, because that wouldn't be fun at all.
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Hi, by the way I'm still alive. I haven't updated in a while because I just didn't have the energy or desire to. There is so such much going on with everything that I sometimes feel everything would just crumble under pressure on to me. I can't wait for this to be over. I just want to take every possible moment that I have to relax and to free my mind. But of course, that's stating the impossible. Sleep is good, sleep is lacking, sleep is something that won't supplant you. I need to stop thinking and just start living. But here's something so ambigious and out of the blue from not living.
The word "you" is the most ambigious word in the english language. It is both singular and plural. When someone writes something with "I hate you", who are they talking to, you actually, someone else, or a whole group? It confuses you and just leaves so much to the reader. And I love it. Who am I actually talking or writing to, you, whoever you maybe. It's so powerful in writing songs. I use it so much and so often so you can connect with the words that I write, the overall goal that I try to accomplish. I love ambiguity right now because that's what I live in and this is what you get for not living and thinking too much. I hope YOU know that YOU caused me to die and suspend me in thoughts.
I'll be hom in a week and a half. I hope I wouldn't be a walking zombie then because I sure am one now. I am looking forward to 10:00 AM December 19th and that night is looking even better. But I have to be afraid of the Detroit airport, because we're not the best of friends. Miss you all and looking forward to see you.
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'll walk to you if I had no other way
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Life it's one big hearts game
You can play with as many people as you want
There will be people that try to put up obstacles for you
To block where you want to go, to stack your deck
The heart breakers will come out in dire situations
When they have just about nothing left
Then the queen of spades manipulates you
You want it so much sometimes but you're risking so much
It also explains personalities of the people in this world
There would be the risk taker, shooting the moon all the time
There is the conservative player, looking out for himself and his safety
There's the asshole, tries to screw people in whatever they're trying to do
And assholes always win
The object of this game isn't really difficult to grasp
You want to end life with the least amount of baggage possible
Baggage weigh you down, slow you down, and get in the way
You win by trying to be as simplistic as possible
Score is always kept, just like in life
And on top of that, you win some and you lose some
You just have to move on, rip up the score sheet
And start all over again, remembering you past mistakes
Hold your grudges, your alliances
That's how life works, play the game.
On another weird subject, Ken shares his obsession with the Lord of the Rings. You see, there is a great parady in modern politics compared to the plot of the Lord of the Rings. It's said to say that we Americans are not on the good side and we actually live in Mordor. And guess who's Sauron? Yup you guessed right, Mr. Bush. We are just all orcs only looking and dressing better, slaves of the system. But Sauron is looking for something that he has lost. He put Mr. Cheaney, the Witch King of Agmar, in charge of finding this, along with other booty, also known as oil. We search the deepest corner of this world and finally located where this one ring is. And now Mr. Bush sends his Ringwraiths, military forces, who really don't know why they are doing what Sauron says, probably out of fear. We are searching in the mountians, the deserts, far and wide for the secret weapon. We thought it was in Iraq, but it turned out to be a false alarm. Could this one ring to rule them all be nuclear weapons, or nukular as the Great Eye says, or could it be something bigger? Is Aragorn out there? Are the Men of the West going to unite in this many year struggle? Where is Helm's Deep or Minas Tirith? Where will the hammer strike the heaviest? No one knows these questions, they are for you to answer...prescioussssssssssssssss.
Now an unrelated quote from a super duper song...
When the first star you see, might not be your star...I can spell confusion with a k.
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Oh boy, big big day ahead of me. It's about 5:30 in the morning. I can't really sleep. I'm dehydrated so I'm going to get a few cups of water and watch Sportscenter. As you know, today is the big day. Going to a stadium divided by, I guess I could assume, shere hatred. Us Michigan fans would be armed with water bottles with coins in them to maximize the noise for those Buckeyes. It's going to be mighty cold in the stadium. I'm breaking out multiple layers including gloves, a hat, and the Under Armor. Yes, the Under Armor. So here's the scenario that needs to happen for Michigan to go to a BCS bowl. Michigan needs to beat Ohio State first of all and then we need some help from our in-state rivals, Michigan State. Since Michigan beat Penn State, who State is playing and also the leader of the Big Ten, Michigan holds the tiebreaker. So if all goes well, we'll be packing for Atlanta or somewhere else where there's a big bowl game. If we win the game tomorrow but State doesn't come through, we would go to a lesser bowl. If we lose the game tomorrow, it's not going to be pretty. We'll end up in San Antonio or somewhere in central Florida. I really hope Michigan comes out on top in overtime so everyone goes on the field. That would be pretty awesome.
One very important thing is to put this on record. I, Ken Chin from Ann Arbor, Michigan, have a bet with Tim Riker from Richmond on the game tomorrow. Five dollars is on the line, winner takes all. I also promised him that I would call him on the field of victory, but he also promised to call me when my team loses. The only reason he's rooting for Ohio State is because I go to the University of Michigan, and he's jealous. He could only wish to go to this university and procede to freeze his mind off...in November.
This stretch of the next couple of days is going to be sweet. Tomorrow, the big game, at the Big House, and I've got the hookups to get in the student section (thanks Nicole). I struck a deal with her to get me into the student section, I gave her snickers bars. Then in about four days, I would be arriving back to my hood. Am I the only one that's going home on Wednesday? And if it is, it kind of sucks but you know, the cool kid makes a grand entrance. Can't wait until good restaurant food, home cooked meals, fired up grills, and late night diner trips. Sweet, I'm going to watch the Not Top 10 on Sportscenter and then attempt to go to sleep again. Goodnight or Good Morning to you silly people. See you soon!
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| Date: | 2005-11-17 00:16 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  artistic | | Music: | Jack's Mannequin - Into the Airwaves |
Oh geez, second entry of the day, that must mean something is either very important or horribly wrong. Well, something is horrible wrong. It's neither life threatening nor a mere flesh wound. My guitar is broken and it's quite sad. It fell, I think it was last night and the neck landed awkwardly. So now, the glue that held the neck to the body is no longer there. The neck is not completely detached from the body, it's actually held quite tightly. The thing is that it moves and throws off the tuning of the guitar. I tried to fix it today, and could not find a way. So the only option now is to bring it home to fix it or get a new one if it is unfixable. That would be rather sad but a new guitar is always nice.
What this actually means is that I'm handicapped now. My guitar is very important to me. I get to write my songs, sing my favorite songs, and just mess around with it. And now I don't have it so I drop back down to becoming a mere poet. And as I stated in an entry before quoting Fall Out Boy, "Poets are just kids who didn't make it and never had it at all". Writing songs is so much more fun than just putting words on a piece of paper. I mean, anyone can do that, but thoughts on a piece of paper. And writing songs also takes up time and it's fun and it lets me say things that I really want to say but never would. It's kind of my place to keep me away from insanity. If you didn't know already, music is a big big part of my life. I think when a day comes when I don't listen or play music, I probably wouldn't be breathing.
Why am I still rambling on about this? I'm really sure you can care less.
Big exam tomorrow. Goodnight.
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I just wanted to tell you all that it's freezing outside and it's snowing.
And correction on an earlier entry, Armor for Sleep describes my life better than Jack's Mannequin.
Back on track to what I actually wanted to write. You might find this weird but I find this interesting. I think my dorm is approaching the status of home because sometimes when I climb into the shower, I think that I can just get into the car and drive to say Dan's house. 627 Oxford Rd. is slowly becoming 329 Doremus Ave. So in that same train of thought, I thought about home and all the people and all the things we did and everything that happened.
329 Doremus Ave.
1. I have a big bed
2. People weez and die in my basement
3. Time spent watching me play MVP or Madden
4. Endless rummy or hearts games
5. My crazy crazy dog that loves to jump on people
6. The forbidden upstairs
7. MGD's
8. Not knowing how to work the satellite
9. Finding your shoes in the closet or by the stairs
10. Pitching into my porch in the back and killing the screen
11. Wrestling matches
12. Watching too much LOTR and Fleetwood Mac DVD
13. Unlimited supply of Coke
14. Where's the junk food?
15. After prom and chinese food
503 Ackerman
1. Tucker trying to kill people, Tigger lying around, Madison being awesome
2. Family members
3. Fantasy drafts
4. Poker nights and Rummy
5. Super Bowl party and buffalo wings
6. Trash's baby
7. Cherry Monroe
8. Madden, MVP, and assortment of videogames
9. Putting competitions
10. Not knowing how to work the sound with the TV
6 Pamrapo Ct/Indian Rock, the Dock
1. Madden, MVP, and Melee
2. Back duesher
3. Biting incident/PX and Janet
4. Sliding is no good on hard wood floor
5. Her name is Princess
6. Not knowing how to switch to video
7. Big Love
8. Chinese food, gas, and Alfonso Soriano
9. He has a Shockey jersey, deserves to be in the toliet
10. Huberspecs
11. Duckbone
12. Pennies in his bed
13. "Gay Timbone of Mine"
14. Huge battle in the snow and the ferris wheel in the snow
15. Running in a snow storm to the dock
19 Princeton Pl.
1. Canada trip
2. Missing train #1 party
3. Missing train #2 party
4. Missing train #3 party
5. Oreo jumping on your crotch
6. Pauline is insane
7. Pitching in backyard
8. The pool that we didn't really use
9. Basketball hoop that never got fixed
10. 5 am food and movie
11. HO-HO-HO+milk
12. World Series birthday parties
13. Trying to figure out how to open the front door
5 Grove St. and Jam Dad
1. Ass slapping
2. Poker
3. Dick and his friends
4. Halloween in the summer and Trash is a pumpkin
5. Ally D. and Paulie B.
6. Buster and humping random things
7. Starts with an S and ends in Hoot yourself
8. "One time my shit turned green"
9. Dogpiles and Trash always ends up at the bottom
10. Wrecking the house from fights with Dick's friends
11. Rubber band gun fights
12. "Default Mothafucka"
13. Water fight in the kitchen
Note: I give up on the addresses, way too hard to know all of them
Dan's House 165 Fairmount Ave.?
1. Gaming
2. McDonald's breakfast
3. Ping pong
4. Beirut...with water...nasty water
5. Smash Brothers champions
6. Lunch and Hot Pockets
7. Firing fully loaded automatic weapon at Asians
8. Poker until it got old and when we ran out of money
9. The plant that will never be moved except by Dan
10. Jewish wrestling
11. "If you show this to anyone *throat slash*" video
12. Beers are by the side of the house
13. "Move your yellow paw"
14. Random stump in the middle of the yard
15. The lazy-boy
Garry's House, somewhere on Gordon Pl.
1. Barbecue in the snow
2. Barbecue when it's warm
3. Freebird
4. "Uh, there are cops in front of your house"
5. Whifflebll
6. Stories of people thrown through walls
7. "God now I have to spackle"
8. Agruments of cooking and the cheese
9. STEAK!!!
10. Kool-Aid and Gushers
11. That Salvia stuff that made Kamil crazy
I love Glen Rock and I can't wait to see all of you crazy people. I have a huge weekend ahead of me, drunk calls would probably be of plenty. So be ready. So many things to do in such a short time. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy the snow outside and love the freezing cold.
Add anything that you feel is missing.
I sleep so I don't have to feel...
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So here's the first draft of the Christmas list since I have absolutely nothing to do, not in any particular order.
1. a watch
2. a bracelet
3. Brand New merch
4. Jack's Mannequin merch
5. my two front teeth
6. FIFA 06
7. a puppy on the condition that you take care of it and all I have to do is play with it
8. other cools things that I would like
9. things that you would like to get me
10. your Christmas/Hannukah presents
If you get me something, I promise I would get you something too. It might be a few months down the road, but you will get something. Something cool and original. It's never too early for the holiday's and I am so excited for it.
So life. I have an exam on thursday, if you all would like to know, then it's smooth sailing to Thanksgiving. I am going to be leaving Detroit Metro Airport at like 7 I think and I get into LaGuardia at 10. So yeah, don't call me between 7 to 10, don't want that plane to explode. I still don't get the cell phone rule, how can cell phones cause the plane to explode? Oh, I bombed my engineering exam yet again, which is fine, I just want to pass the class. I would kill myself if I have to take it again.
Oh, I realized I never gave you guys a tour of my dorm room. So, as all of you might know already, I have a quad. One of my suitemates is Korean from Vermont, two white roomates from Michigan and South Carolina, and me, I'm from New Jersey. (I don't know who wouldn't know that one) So when you walk into the door, the bathroom would be on your right. Quite a good thing to have in a dorm. I am not a big fan of large public bathrooms. Then opposite from the bathroom is one of the bedrooms, not mine. Their room is much bigger than mine, because they got here first and they took the bigger room. My Korean roomate decided to bunk his bed, so he stole my ladder. Now I have to climb up onto my bed. If you walk straight once you get into the dorm, you will see my room. The first thing you see would probably be my roomate's clothes and his desk because he is the side by the door. We each have a desk with a shelf on top of it, and a dresser with a shelf on it. My roomate brought the fridge, fan, stereo, and the speakers. I use the stereo more than he does, which is just a random fact. On top of his dresser is my TV. We put it there so we can watch TV in bed. Then there is the window with blinds. The blinds are always closed and in front of the blinds is garbage and just boxes. We are not big fans of taking out the garbage. We might do it once every two weeks. My laundry is by the garbage and my guitar case is leaning against my dresser. And we have bunk beds, he has the bottom one, and I have the top.
In our room, the channel of choice is ESPN and then HBO or the movie channel. ESPN is pretty much on for the whole day. The music of choice is usually the Postal Service, Dispatch, and Weezer when we are both around. When it's just me, I listen to Jack's Mannequin and Panic! at the Disco. We are both coke lovers but we never have it in our room because a 2 liter bottle would be gone in minutes. A lot of my clothes are piled on my chair, and our room is very very messy. Same with this entry, it's all over the place, but I don't care. I play videogames a lot, and he doesn't mind watching. We sometimes play NCAA 06 together. He would be a better team then I am to make a better game. I think he beat me once, I was very very mad. We both eat a lot and empty bottles are everywhere. It's such a typical dorm room. That's about it, I think. Oh also, we don't work very hard in the dorm. We usually end up talking or watching TV or playing videogames. My dorm is quite a distraction.
That's it for now and of course I would leave you all with a quote, I just need to think of one.
And this my mixed tape for her
It's like I wrote every note
With my own fingers
(it's my ring tone)
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| Date: | 2005-11-10 12:06 |
| Subject: | Sing Me Something Soft |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  hungry | | Music: | Panic! at the Disco - London Beckons |
Poets are just...
Don't you ever get the feeling that all you want to do is scream your favorite song? This is what I miss about not being home and not having my car. Back in the day, I could scream the words to all these songs and it would not bother anyone. It is very different here. If I do this in a dorm room, my suitemates would think I'm completely insane. Like I would sing the songs that my roomate and I are listening to, but I have to sing on key and not too loud to not look like an idiot. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, out of key, and I do not care if I get the words wrong, I am allowed to make them up.
...kids who didn't make it, and never had it at all.
Now life, life is going well although it is very busy. I had an engineering exam last night which was about computer programming and it did things to me that I cannot speak of right now. It still hurts me emotionally and I am about to cry, just so tramatic. Now I have math homework and a programming project, both due friday. Yay me. Just an update on the song situation, song number 3 and 4 are on their way, and I am sure you guys will hear some of them when I come home. That actually sound really awesome, but that might just be me, because I wrote them. Oh and by the way, I am a laundry-doing god. I just think I might become All-American at doing laundry. I just wanted all of you to know that. Now I need to get some food because I have class in half an hour. Byebye
Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything
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fryricekid24's journal
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